WHY THE FCs THRIVE IN AN APOCALYPSE
Well, the end of the world is coming. At least movies, television series, conspiracy theorists, survivalists and collective consciousness would have us believe it is near. What are the skills and personality traits that would be important for surviving after the fall out? Looking through the data sheets of the Feral Chihuahuas, I discovered that we as a group actually, and quite accidentally I might add, possess some of the most important skills necessary for surviving a hypothetical end-of-the-world scenario. Yes, I mean beyond simply entertaining you and helping you to laugh in the face of despair. Don’t believe we have the skills? Read on…
Many of you may not know this, but George is actually Dr. George Heard a professor of chemistry at UNC-Asheville. (That’s Dr. “the” Bastard to you) Who wouldn’t want a skilled chemist on hand in the event of global meltdown. With test tubes, chemical compounds and lab coats just laying around, the transformation to Mad Scientist of the Apocalypse can’t be far off. I think George has dreamt of this his whole life. Plus when all the booze dries up, we’ll need someone who can synthesize MDMA so we can all forget we’re in this mess for a little while.
Before Adam became the hilarious entity you know him as today, he served his country in the military. Along the DMZ in South Korea for starters. That makes him one of the few people who has fought in an actual war that has not ended to this day. A comprehensive knowledge of firearms, battlefield medical procedures and tactics will be invaluable for surviving the end. He is the elder statesmen of the Feral Chihuahuas and thereby also has more knowledge in relation to analog technologies of the past. Specifically blacksmithing, a skill he picked up from his father. Which, after the electronic grid shuts down, we’ll be relegated to these technologies. We’ll need a blacksmith. Also Mr. Meier has logged the most hours of all of us playing video games and his zombie shooting skills are unparalleled.
Well of all of us Drew may be the most equipped to deal with the loss of technology. He has lived for years in a half finished house running on limited solar energy without plumbing, cell phone service or the internet. He’s trying to get off the grid, people. The upside will be Drew’s ability to seamlessly move into a Post Apocalyptic existence and he will be able to teach us all the ways of pooping in a bucket and turning it into compost. Frightening and harsh truth that Drew will easily be able to prepare us for. Another impressive skill that Drew possesses is his ultra powered sperm, that has been known to impregnate unsuspecting ladies merely by his talking to them. We will need this great power to repopulate our broken planet. Not to worry, ladies, Drew will do his duty for humanity.
One important part of surviving will be eating. After the hordes of crazies have emptied the grocery stores and such, it’ll be time to grow something fresh. Luckily Tommy’s upbringing has prepared him for this. He grew up on a farm, harvesting crops in a garden and raising pigs, chickens and cows. He knows how to milk a cow by hand. There are probably seven other people in America who can make such a claim. He has slaughtered an entire pig and been involved in the entire process. He also grew up hunting with his father, so there’s also that for a means of sustenance. He was a carpenter for 10 years, and those skills will be key to building the zombie/crazed gang proof super fortress complete with fence, and for repairing it as well. Plus, he daydreams about the end of the world far too often, so he has already imagined some worst case scenarios and has ideas for all of them.
Wyman is a man of many secrets, and there are probably other skills he has hidden away that we won’t see until after the fall out. The ones we do know about are important, however. Wyman’s father was a doctor, so even his tertiary knowledge of medical procedures will be needed. One other skill that is a must have is speed. Wyman is extremely fleet of foot. You don’t want to try to catch him on a fast break during a basketball game. When dangerous supply runs must happen, who beter to send than the fastest guy you know. Who better to avoid zombies, crazed gangs, feral children and the like while picking up some more beer from Wal Mart? One of Wyman’s most important skills is his ability to decipher government and international conspiracies. I’m talking a black belt in Illuminati, here. When everything has settled and this new way of life is upon us, there will be questions. Who better to determine how and why this tragedy occurred than a top shelf conspiracy theorist?